Pet Rankings

Conures · Cockatiels · Galahs · Budgies

By a lot. Not even close. Parrots are tiny dinosaurs with opinions, and they're not afraid to share them at 6 AM. They learn your schedule, talk back to you, dance to music, and hold grudges for days. A parrot will bond with you so deeply it borders on codependency. They're essentially a toddler with a can opener for a face. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Labs · Mutts · Shepherds · The Good Boys

The universal answer to "what's the best pet" — and honestly, it's a great answer. Dogs are loyal, trainable, emotionally intelligent, and genuinely happy to see you even if you just went to check the mail. They're the only pet that will follow you into the bathroom and look at you like you're both sharing a spiritual experience. Solid #2.

Silkies · Rhode Island Reds · Orpingtons · Bantams

The sleeper pick nobody expects. Chickens have more personality than most people realize — each one is its own little character with routines, preferences, and beef with specific flock members. They give you breakfast every morning, eat bugs out of your yard, and provide top-tier backyard entertainment. The only pet that pays rent.

Tabbies · Tuxedos · Calicos · Whatever They Feel Like

Cats are the introverts of the pet world — which, as an INTJ, I respect deeply. They handle their own business, judge you silently from across the room, and occasionally grace you with their presence when it suits them. Low maintenance, high entertainment value, and they keep your ego in check. A cat will never let you think you're in charge.

Pekins · Khaki Campbells · Muscovy · Runners

Ducks are just chickens with a better marketing team and a water feature requirement. They waddle around like they own the place (they do), make hilarious noises, and will follow you around the yard like a little quacking entourage. The mess factor is real — ducks will turn any water source into a swamp within 45 minutes — but the vibes are immaculate.

Standard Grey · White · Beige · Velvet Cloud

A chinchilla is what happens when you combine a squirrel, a rabbit, and a cotton ball, then give it a 15-year lifespan and the softest fur on planet Earth. They're bouncy, curious, and surprisingly opinionated about their dust baths. They wall-surf at 3 AM like tiny parkour athletes. The temperature requirements are demanding — they'll overheat if you look at them too warmly — but in return you get a pet that feels like petting a living cloud.

Holland Lops · Mini Rex · Lionheads · Flemish Giants

Rabbits are wildly underrated house pets. They can be litter-trained, they binky when they're happy (which is the most adorable thing any animal does), and they'll flop over dramatically when they feel safe around you. The downside: they chew everything. Every cable, every baseboard, every shoe you left on the floor. Bunny-proofing your house is a full engineering project. But a rabbit that trusts you enough to flop at your feet? Worth every destroyed charger.

Hamsters · Guinea Pigs · Rats · Mice

The gateway pets. Rats are genuinely intelligent and affectionate — if rats were bigger and lived longer, they'd be top 3. Guinea pigs are adorable potato-shaped whistling machines. Hamsters are nocturnal escape artists with a Napoleon complex. Mice exist. The short lifespans are the real heartbreak here — you barely get started before it's over.

Bettas · Tetras · Cichlids · Goldfish

Fish are less "pets" and more "living screensavers you have to feed." But I say that with love. A well-maintained aquarium is genuinely therapeutic — there's a reason every dentist office has one. The hobby side is deep (no pun intended): water chemistry, aquascaping, breeding. It's basically gardening that can die if you look at the pH wrong.

Pygmy · Nigerian Dwarf · Boer · Agents of Chaos

Goats are hysterical, but they are agents of pure, concentrated destruction. They will eat your fence, escape your fence, stand on your car, eat your garden, and look at you with those weird rectangular pupils like it's your fault for having nice things. Fun to be around, impossible to contain. Owning a goat is signing up for a daily IQ test you will lose.

Tree Frogs · Dart Frogs · Salamanders · Newts

Amphibians are for the "I want a pet but I don't actually want to interact with it" crowd, and sometimes that's exactly what you need. Dart frogs are stunningly beautiful. Tree frogs have a chill energy I aspire to. But let's be honest — you're building a terrarium for the terrarium. The frog is just the excuse to do elaborate landscaping in a glass box.

Bearded Dragons · Leopard Geckos · Ball Pythons · Turtles

I've had them. I get the appeal. Bearded dragons are the friendliest of the bunch and will genuinely chill on your shoulder. But most reptiles view you less as a companion and more as a warm surface that occasionally provides food. The heat lamp electricity bill alone could fund a parrot. If I wanted something that just sits there and judges me, I'd get another cat.